Life?

It seems that I can never get ahead. I am always one step behind in all areas. Even the best of intentions leave me feeling unsuccessful and drifting. At times I feel like I'm having a "mid-life crisis", but I'm only 17. For goodness sake, I don't have to have everything figured out right now. But you'd think I'd at least know who I am . . . yet I don't. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? Am I really my own person, or simply some chameleon who changes colors depending on the scenery? I have no opinion on anything . . .but yet I do. Do I just say that to make people happy and not step on their toes? Because I know I don't like to do that. Life is so much easier when you just let people be happy and don't bother them . . . But now look what I am stuck with. I don't even know who I am. Look what I've done to myself . . . Do I have an opinion? Why am I always just a bug on the wall of every conversation, not getting involved but somehow wanting to? Am I dictating who I should be based on who I have been? Because I certainly don't want to go back to that again . . . that was one of the worst years of my life . . .yet no one knew. I know there is a better way to live life than that, but how do I find it again. I found it then, so why do I feel like I have lost what I found those few years ago? Just like then I either need to be stripped of everything or to get a slap in the face to bring me back to reality. Or if I could just pull myself up and see straight again and get back to the Source of Life for good instead of here and there, one day in the middle of every few weeks. I wish I could just drop it all and run to Him and be filled by Him and just soak in His love and grace. But life gets in the way . . . why is it always in the way? Lord, bring me back to you.
"I've got my hand in redemption's side, whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine. I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside and I'll come alive."
My identity is in the death of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. May I find my worth only in Him!!